Literary Lightweights

Jane Austen, Ernest Hemingway, and George R. R. Martin walk into a bar.  After three rounds of gin, rum, and scotch, a disagreement arose.  Jane wanted to go home, but since they all took Ernest’s boat, she was stuck at this beach bar with no means of escape.  Ernest and George wanted to keep drinking and weren’t about to stop the party over Jane’s propriety.  The bartender kept their glasses full, if only to cork George’s verbose descriptions of each individual drop of liquor.  There were no other patrons since the bar didn’t actually exist, they were sharing a hallucination brought on by a mixture of stress, blood loss, and blunt force trauma.  But don’t worry about any of that; Jane, Ernest, and George certainly weren’t.

As the evening wore on, Jane scribbled down some of the men’s character traits for later use.  Ernest and George were hopelessly drunk, in fact, the bar was nearly out of alcohol.  Jane offered to see if there were any bottles left on the boat, Ernest slumped over the counter in reply.  Seizing her opportunity, Jane cast off the line and raised the main sheet.  Her newly acquired sailboat leaned with the wind and slowly left the dock.

The next morning, or seconds later depending on the shared hallucination; Jane awoke at sea and remembered she couldn’t sail, Ernest awoke and found his face stuck to the bar, George awoke and ordered coffee from a hookah pipe they had all assumed was the bartender.


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